Closed Doors Pg.7

How many times have I laid here pretending that he was next to me and I nested in his arms listening to his heartbeat? How many times have my tears told me that this is unhealthy and that the lack of his approach speaks volumes? Knocked up and married. He doesn't love her. He never will. It's the child he wants. I remember our last encounter. He on top of me, me on top of he, he saying how much he loved me and I, I continued to straddle his groin as if my female and his being were meant to mix juices and fluids, fluids and juices that no one else but he and I could produce. But I guess that's why he chose her because they could produce something that we never could. Organically we fit into each other like....like...like...like bodies are meant to fit onto each other. No questions, no complications, we just melted into each other, lock and key, and it was just right. So how did it go all wrong? Buh-bump...buh-bump...I hear his heart talking to me; calling my name and telling me things that he never would. Betraying him, his heart doesn't see it that way because to his heart, he is betraying it. The music, the music, the music, like a screeching chalkboard it hurts my ears because his voice is the only thing I want to hear. Can I not do better than a married man who has not only cheated on me but rejected me and spoken ill of my womb as he lay with another woman?!?

(next entry)
This liquor is too heavy for me and I don't even know where I am right now. But I do know the man staring at me is about to walk over here. Doesn't he see me typing to you? How rude?!?! But he is sexy though. Strapping. Nice smile. Average mid-section. From the looks of the jeans - nice legs and big feet. He is cute. I am smiling from ear to ear. Don't know if it's because of him or this liquor is getting to me. And out of nowhere, I smell him. Not the guy staring; my ex...I smell him. His scent like the drug that intoxicates nuns and priests into professing another's faith so that they too can experience the pleasures of a normal human being and be secular like you, like me. My hands through his hair, my face against his chest, my body on his, he is...he is....not here.