Closed Doors Pg.15

I fucked up. I've never treated my best friend as badly as I have a few nights back. I feel really terrible about it. But there's nothing I can do about it. He came home and met me crying. It was a thing of the past for a while, me crying, cause since his constant presence I really had no time to cry. I've just been caught up in enjoying his company that I think I'd suppressed my true feelings about Doe being away and just kind of ignored them. It was a playlist of mine that did it for me. I was cleaning and left the music on for background noise and the album, that album, that one, came on. It was the album Doe and I played during our last encounter. It was also the album Doe played when he asked me to move in with him. It was so romantically silly. I got to his apartment late, the one I'm currently in, after I left my place out in the Stuy. We were supposed to go out that night. I rushed to get ready, put on my favorite black dress, the get it tonight shoes and when I stepped out, he had a dinner waiting for me inside the apartment. That album was playing in the background. There was a small round table I had never seen before in the middle of the living room area highlighted with a small vanilla scented candle in the middle of it and next to it,  a bottle of Pinot Noir and two empty glasses. My Best had joked when I told him the story when it happened and he said, "What? No strawberries and whip cream?"  But it was unnecessary. The dinner, of course, was take-out. Neither of us cook so that wasn't a surprise. What was sweet was when he trembled over to the other end of the table to meet me and got down on one knee. I thought he had lost his mind. We had spoken about our views on marriage and how it was all a sham, so him proposing was incredible. But then he opened the small jewelry box. It was empty. In his sweet bass he said, "You and I don't believe in marriage but if we did, I'd ask you to marry me. I'm not sure if there is a forever, but if that means being with you for the rest of my life, then forever is for me. Move in with me. Be with me and only me..."  Bullshit now but the speech he gave was enough to impregnate me that night if it were possible. I guess I should've asked if that meant he would "be with me and only me" also...   but i didn't. I assumed he was speaking on equal terms. Oh Well. The album was on repeat so we had spent the whole night being drowned in it subconsciously and so naturally it has a trigger for me. Forgetting that my best friend had turned into my Lover over the past few months I confided in him as if he were still just my best friend. He didn't talk much. He didn't have anything to say really except to tell me that he was sorry that I had felt that way. Over the next few days he stopped spending every night. Sex slowed down and eventually just stopped altogether. It was then I realized that I was a fool. Here is Mr. Perfect and I pushed him away....all for Mr. Knocked Up. It didn't take long for Best to leave. He started hanging out with a girl that he had mentioned before everything had happened. I called him and asked him to come over. We decided to meet up at one of our regular bars because he had a date later that evening and didn't want to be too far from where he lived. Excuses, no doubt, but I deserved it. I threw on my light jacket, one which he bought for me, thinking that would impress him. And as I opened the door, there he was with tears in his eyes - Doe.